Right out the gate, the first call was for a restraining-order violation on Eighth Street. Apparently, the woman filed a restraining order against her son.
Although it can be questioned whether or not she understands what that means.
She had let him in the house the day before at about 4 p.m., the cop said, and he left for work at 4 a.m.
She called the PD around 9 p.m., saying he was back and knocked on the door. She did not want to let him in.
We rolled up to the house, looking for his car, but he had already left.
Somnoplasty got back in the car, and rolled up next to another cop to talk, so naturally the owner of the home we were in front of drove up behind us and was uber confused.
Seeing no car, we drove around the neighborhood for a few minutes and then moved on.
While cruising around the East Avenue area, there was an area check of the VFW, since wedding guests reported “gang members that showed up and had words” with guests.
No gang bangers, sadly.
On the way back to the East Avenue area we drove past a black car, where it looked like a man was trying to get into a car.
We drove around the block some more, and went back to check on the guy about five minutes later.
He was in the car, with the lights on. I think he was even facing the back seat.
Scanning the license plate quickly, Somnoplasty typed it in and drove around the corner.
It came back that the plates were expired, expired in January, so he flipped a beezy and drove back.
Mr. Man in Car was gone.
He was, however, driving down the street with his lights off, as well as a laundry list of other things.
So he got pulled over.
During that process, Somnoplasty contacted dispatch to get some more information on the car’s registered owner, which was Slow-Mo.
That name sounded familiar to me, but I couldn’t quite place it.
Until dispatch reported back that the driver was known to carry a .38.
Then I remembered Slow-Mo, who in July, got hopped up on “central nervous system stimulants,” and shot up his house, garage and car before pointing a gun with a laser pointer at the cop who responded to the scene.
Right about the time she said he was known to carry a .38, I got really scared.
Not just for me, but for Somnoplasty, too.
Somnoplasty asked Slow-Mo to step out of the car, and led him to the passenger side.
He then asked him to put his hands on his head, and patted the guy down for various fun items like weapons and drugs.
Seeing none, Somnoplasty proceeded to the field sobriety test, since Slow-Mo fessed up to being on several prescription drugs.
Right around that time, Officer Rollover and Sergeant SpongeBob rolled up.
Since it was a DUI, the FST had to be recorded.
Tests included walking in a straight line heel to toe (not so straight), a one-legged balance test (not-so balanced) and that whole touching your finger to your nose test.
He failed.
He was cuffed and then put in the back of the car, and I was left alone in the car with someone who was stuck in slow motion.
He didn’t talk much, though.
It turns out, he was “allegedly” driving to Tower Mart, when he side-swiped a tree.
This happened over near 7th and D Street, and he was pulled over near 8th and E, I think.
I noticed the damage to the car the first time we drove by him, but Somnoplasty said he was paying more attention to the guy with the car.
After heading back to PD to exchange the Charger for a Crown Vic (sad) due to battery/computer/radio troubles, we were on our way to Sutter Roseville.
Apparently, since Slow-Mo was in a vehicle accident, he needed to be checked out at the hospital to be declared fit to be booked into jail.
When we got to Sutter, Somnoplasty’s shtick was pretty entertaining.
I guess when you have to lead someone into the hospital who is hand-cuffed and can barely walk, you need to have a little fun.
When we walked through the doors of Sutter’s emergency room, he told him he’d won the Price is Right, and when he sat him down in the doctor chair, told him they’d reserved him the best seat in the house.
When it was time to leave, he told him he was free to move about the country.
The humor was lost on our new friend.
The nurses and doctors assisted Somnoplasty and Slow-Mo right away, which could be because it doesn’t look great to other patients to have a cop and dude in handcuffs getting checked out.
They checked his blood pressure, temperature and asked what sort of drugs he had taken that day.
Then we were out, and up to the Placer County Jail.
You don’t need to watch Saturday Night Live when you are watching someone in drug-induced slow-motion getting booked.
The deputy (Nerd Glasses) asked him various questions, like, “Did you only get one set of presents at Christmas-time?”
At one point, Nerd Glasses asked Slow-Mo if he had any tattoos or scars, and Slow-Mo started to take his shirt off, until they stopped him.
Then Nerd Glasses asked if he had any track marks on his arms, and asked him to take his sweatshirt off.
He took both shirts off, and revealed tattoos of the century.
On his right “moob,” there was a bulldog, and on his left moob, there was a grim reaper.
It looked like the grim reaper was walking the bulldog, and that the reaper had a very care free look on its face.
Somnoplasty said he looked effeminate, and I said Mr. Reaper looked like a woman in a Virginia Slims ad.
Nerd Glasses told Slow-Mo he could put his shirt back on, which was priceless.
He sat there for a good ten minutes trying to figure out how to put it back on. He kept rotating it in his hands.
Somnoplasty described it as a Chinese finger trap, and I equated it more to a Rubix cube.
During the battery of questions, Slow-Mo answered the questions with an east coast time delay, according to another deputy (East Coast.)
Every time Nerd Glasses asked Slow-Mo a question, East Coast went “Uhhhhhh,” to be followed three seconds later by Slow-Mo going “Uhhhhhh.”
Due to the severity of Slow-Mo’s slow-motionness, another deputy (Braces) exclaimed, “He was driving?!”
Braces could not get over that fact.
After placing his shoes, wedding ring (gasp!) and other personal effects in a bag,
Slow-Mo had his blood taken, which Somnoplasty said will be deposited in the prop room and later sent to the DOJ for an analysis.Poor East Coast had to deal with a 69-year-old man who shat himself while sitting in booking.
We headed back to Lincoln, at one point driving 100 miles per hour down I-80 .
I was terrified.
We headed back to town, and since it was 1:40 p.m. and I had a good 20 minutes left, we went back down Highway 65 for a DUI stop, but since SpongeBob had already responded for back-up, we headed back to the station.
We were almost there when Somnoplasty got a call for a man pushing a cart down Nicolaus Road. We started out going normal speed, but the other officer reported that the man with the cart was not being compliant.
Vroom.
I think we hit speeds of 80 while driving down Nicolaus, pausing for stop signs and stoplights with the blues and reds flashing.
Since the man wasn’t posing much of a threat, I was allowed to get out of the car and listen.
All I could really hear while I snapped copious photos was that he just really wanted to get some water, and remembered where there was a tap he could use.
Somnoplasty kindly told him that he was headed to Lincoln, where homeless men with shopping carts full of crap aren’t viewed the same way they are in Sacto.
He basically told him that if he didn’t want to be bugged by them, since lots of people would call in reporting him, he shouldn’t go into town
The man chose to walk to town.
All in all, a very interesting night.
