My un-angsty Thanksgiving post

Looking at my last post you would think Thanksgiving was a total crap fest.  Not true!
Some highlights!

• After seeing how bummed I was about not visiting family on turkey day, Andy called several family members on his way to work to find someone to come and visit Lucy and I.  I had visits from Andy's mom, grandma and his dad, which made a world of difference.  They definitely lifted my spirits.
• Andy's dad Larry was able to hold Lucy for the first time ever.  I loved seeing how happy he was to finally do so, and he's definitely enamored with his granddaughter.

• We cooked our very first Thanksgiving dinner at home.  I would have roasted a turkey but let's face it, those things are massive, so we went with a little 5 1/2 pound chicken instead.  Andy cooked the rest of the meal so I could tend to our little turkey, which consisted of stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean casserole and apple pie.  It was nice being able to spend the evening together as a family, and it's great that Lucy is healthy enough to be home with us to enjoy those things.  

 After my last post, I realize that I tend to focus on the negative more than the positive.  I'm going to make it a point to not do that anymore, because it's no fun!  I'm sensing a New Years resolution? : )
 

We'll be home for Thanksgiving

It was just the five of us for Thanksgiving this year (that includes Brody and Cartman).
The littlest turkey had her two-month check-up last week, and we asked her doctor if Lucy was cleared to attend a family Thanksgiving dinner.
She (after getting an ” Are you kidding me right now?” look on her face) advised us against it.
With her neutrophil count still below normal, a large family gathering combined with being at a home that's not our own poses risk for infection.
I was bummed when I learned that we wouldn't be able to participate in family Turkey Day festivities, but not nearly as sad as I was on Thanksgiving morning.
I put the parade on, which is something we do every year...before heading over to whichever parent's house we'd be spending the day at.
There are three options, since Andy's parents are divorced and mine live ten minutes away.
I have this uncanny habit of crying over whatever is bugging me right before Andy leaves for work.
The parade was on and I was tidying up the house while Lucy napped and hubby got ready for work and it just hit me that we wouldn't be spending time with family on Thanksgiving and I just started crying.
I never really thought about what the day meant to me before, because we've never been in the situation where we couldn't be with family on a major holiday.
I've just always taken it for granted that we could be with people we cared about on Thanksgiving, no questions asked.
I am so thankful Lucy is healthy.
It is so hard not being able to visit the homes of people we love.  People come over, and we go out and meet friends and family for dinner/coffee/walks around the mall.
But it's not the same as being able to go veg at someone else's home, have family dinners, play games, etc.
I learned recently that someone close to me thinks that we're not being completely truthful about the steps we've taken to safeguard Lucy.  The no people in our house for a month after she came home, and no one but Andy and I allowed to hold her for that month.
The finally letting people into our home after that month and holding baby girl.
The not being able to visits the homes of grandparents, aunts and uncles and friends.
The being allowed to take her to the grocery store and the mall and restaurants as long as they're not overly crowded.
All because before she was born and before we knew about her immune disorder, we said we wanted to limit how often and how long people came to visit our home so we three could bond.
I'm really hurt by this person thinking I'd make this stuff up.
This person wasn't in the NICU with us when the doctor told us what we needed to do to keep the baby safe.  They're not at every pediatrician appointment where we ask the doctor what baby step we can take so that Lucy can be with her loved ones that love her already.
Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I suck at lying.  It's probably a good thing I'm not good at it.  
And anyone who knows me well would know that I would never choose to not be able to have people over for a month, let alone keep my baby to one room for a month (which means Andy and I were also stuck in that one room for most of each day for that month).
Or that I would never choose not being able to go hang out with the baby.
I would certainly not choose not being able to be with loved ones on Thanksgiving.
These past 12 weeks have been hard.  So hard.  Having a newborn baby is hard, but then add in a tremendous amount of cabin fever when you are well and able-bodied enough to pop your baby in the car and drive.
I just hope this person some day realizes that we were telling the truth about the measures we've had to take to keep the baby healthy and will not take for granted the fact that Lucy is alive because of the sacrifices we've had to make to keep her safe from infection while she gets through her fight with neutropenia.
 

More than just a bad day

Today at the library I encountered what I think is a genuinely miserable/angry human being.
I couldn't pass it off as more than he was just having a bad day.  I know it's not my business and I will likely not have to deal with him again, but I felt bad for his daughter.
Let me back up.
I asked one of the librarians for her suggestion of some picture books that would be good for Lucy.  Naturally, I'm pretty good friends with almost all of the library staff, and on a friendly basis with all of them since I've volunteered there, so the two of us were having a conversation while she picked out books.
I didn't notice the man standing about five feet away from us with his daughter.  We paused, and he said, "Gosh they're not even paying attention enough for us to ask a question."
Library lady apologized and asked what he'd like to know.  The question isn't important, it was trivial, but it's not like she was just talking to me.  She was helping me pick out books to read to my child, who was peacefully strapped to my chest.
He didn't like the answer to his question (it's a library, not a video game store.  They don't have Wii games, sir) so he walked away with his daughter, in a huff.
As he walked away, I loudly said, "Thank you for helping suggest books for my daughter."
A little later, I was checking out my books, and he asked a little boy near the check outs if you could check DVD's out using self-check out.  The little boy told him yes.
I thought I would be nice and tell him he needed to make sure and unlock the DVD's before leaving, since I had heard library staff telling someone the same thing over the phone (in this case the person had left the library without unlocking them.)
He shot me a dirty look and said, "Thanks!" in the kind of way where you can tell it's clearly not meant.
Both times this guy was a jerk-wad, his little girl, maybe 12 years old, looked bewildered and sad.
I could tell the kid just wanted to have a nice time at the library with her dad and like usual, his bad attitude was leaving her feeling anxiety.
She seemed like a sweet little girl, and I just felt really bad for her.  Dad's are heroes to their baby girls, and I can't help but feel like his behavior is going to rub off on her one day.
Dad's not just having a bad day, he's miserable and angry, and takes it out on strangers by being rude.
In order to fit in with her hero, his girl is probably going to grow up to be rude to others if either he doesn't change or her mom doesn't set good enough of an example to counteract the rude behavior.
I think I notice this stuff more now that I have a baby.  Every little thing I do I scrutinize because I want to make sure and be a good influence for her.  I just hope I don't lose sight of that like this dad has.

Sleep!

I'm still in shock hours later, but L slept from 11 p.m. to 6 a.m. this morning!
Of course I woke up twice in the night on my own out of habit and to check on her.
Not getting my hopes up about repeat performances, but happy today nonetheless.
We've been working on getting a bedtime routine for baby girl.  Since I'm going back to work in two and a half weeks and I'll need to survive the morning without a nap, this is important.
Prior to this week, it was go to bed whenever and wake up whenever, and still be tired and take a nap mid-morning.
Now it's bath every other day around 6:30/7 p.m., put on pajamas, swaddle, nurse and bed by 8 p.m., with a ”snack” nursing session around 11 p.m.
Which is nice because it means an hour or so to: take a bath; hang out with Andy and watch a movie; craft; read; look at Pinterest/Regretsy/Reddit on the laptop and not my phone; be lazy.
I haven't quite been able to get to bed before 11, which is probably why I need a nap, but damn, I need my me-time!
Wish I didn't have to prepare for the transition into working, I'm going to miss my girl, but may as well set us up for success.

Lucy at Lucille's

We took my mom out for dinner at Lucille's (I may or may not have chosen that restaurant on purpose *wink*).  My dad and brothers were able to come along.  We were a bit worried since dinner was at 4 p.m., which is the start of cranky time.  But she was pretty good.  I picked that time because I knew the restaurant wouldn't be crowded, so she'd be able to be passed around the table.  My mom had held her once before, but my dad and brothers had not.  She did pretty good for most of the meal, at least until it was my turn to eat ; )  
My dad gave her a bottle, which she didn't want and I knew that meant it was i'mtiredbuti'mnotgonnasleepsucka time, and I offered to take her back.  I mean, she can really wail when she's fighting sleep.  But my dad just held her and soothed her while she freaked out, until she fell asleep.  It was cute.  
My mom and brother Jared got some quality holding time, which was really cute.

uncle jared

with grandma

grandpa

Photo bomb!

Just realized today I haven't posted any photos of Lucy.  They are kind of in chronological order, but I'm not hip to Blogger and I also am posting this with a sleeping infant on my chest.  You do what you've gotta do.  Enjoy!

No wires or tubing...I believe this was day three or four

Six weeks...what a difference from the previous photo.

hearing test.  The nurse told us to take a picture of this so when she's a teenager and pretends she can't hear us we can prove otherwise.

Last day in NICU...she gassy!

car ride home!

First week home

One month old

Seven weeks...getting ready to go get coffee with mommy and a friend who recently just had a baby herself

Eight weeks...hittin' the gym

I'm so inept when it comes to Blogger, sheesh!  This is three weeks

Huhfusion

There should be an adjective to describe the look that people get when they walk up to our stroller and I spit out a briefing about Lucy's condition before they automatically stick their faces up close to her.
It's a look of confusion, disbelief and huh?
Maybe huhfusion?  Or disbehuh?
I find myself playing zone defense on outings even with people I know, love and trust, with the following disclaimer before I let anyone look at my child, usually said all as one word:
Shehasalowwhitebloodcellcountsoyoucanlookbutnottouchandstaybackfromthestrollertwofeet.
That's usually followed by the look of huhfusion.
Then we sometimes get the: well why are you out in public?
This is why I asked the doctor for a doctor's note when he said we could take Lucy out in public as long as it's not too crowded of a place, such as the mall, grocery store, park, lightly populated restaurants, etc.
Because I knew everyone would think we were making that shit up.
We're not. 
And buh-leave me, I'm glad we're not making it up, because if I had to stay in the house all the time for the first six weeks of her life, I would have gone nuts.
But luckily, threat-level-midnight has been lifted and people can now come into our house as long as they're not sick, and she can be held by people other than us.
We've done such a good job of keeping her healthy, and most people we run into are very polite about her condition and looking at Lucy from a distance.
Until yesterday.  When I learned that I have no problem physically restraining someone getting too close to my kid.
I ran into a former Starbucks co-worker outside of Target when I was wheeling my squalling infant to our car, saying to her, "I told you we were leaving, here we go!"
I was excited to see her, but not very excited when she said, "Ooh you have a baby!" and proceeded to walk up to my stroller and start to open it up all while her face was a food away from the baby.
I grabbed her.  Grabbed her by the arm and told her she couldn't get close to my baby because of her condition.
She looked horrified and apologized, and I made brief small talk with her and then kept on walking.
I couldn't get that mad at her, because she didn't know.
But had to stop her, because a) I don't know if she is sick or not, since I had only seen her for a split second and b) she had five children with her, and children are germ buckets when it comes to my kid.
I think it's incredibly rude to go up to a stroller and put your face in/touch the baby/touch the stroller/open the stroller without even asking.
I would never do that, no matter how well I know the person.
It's crazy what lengths I'll go to keep her safe.  I am extremely neurotic when it comes to people washing their hands and then sanitizing them before touching Lucy.
When she's crying in public, I get scared that a well-meaning grandmotherly type will suddenly appear out of nowhere and try to get to close to the baby and help me.  (Not too far off after yesterday's close call.)
I freaked out at Starbucks last week because someone sneezed while we were there.
Before handing my daughter off to my mother-in-law in Target, I told her once she was holding the baby she couldn't touch anything in the store.  This resulted in consolidating two carts and a basket worth of items into one cart to prevent this.
Whenever I give my spiel to someone I know before letting them see the baby, I feel relief and then immediately I think of how I must look to others due to the look they get on their face, because I know I look scared any time someone approaches her.
The look of huhfusion usually happens with acquaintances/people we haven't seen in awhile, because they are the ones who have no idea what we're going through with her.
This makes me think it's not common for people to guard their newborns as closely as we do ours.  
Sometimes I think people feel we're overprotective and neurotic about her health.
And that's fine, because we know that not taking the steps we have truly is the difference between life and death for our little one.