The four phases of taking your kids to the park

We almost always get out of the house every day, in order to maintain my sanity enrich the children and expend energy, therefore ensuring naps.
We mix it up a bit, but most weeks we visit the park, go to the mall and go the library, and I've noticed there are four phases that we tend to hit doing any of those things.

Phase one: where are the snacks?

It doesn't really matter how long it's been since they've eaten breakfast, the minute their feet touch the playground, they turn into little gremlins clamoring for food.  If you see me and I'm carrying a large tote bag, it's probably because it's filled with snacks. And heaven forbid you give them snacks and then cut them off.  Please see Phase three for more information on THAT!

Phase two: trying to escape the park or playing with things they shouldn't

Lucy is pretty good about not trying to escape and playing on or with designated playground equipment. It's Jackson who is still very much my wild card.  We frequent this awesome indoor playground that's housed in a church, and I spent about half of the time we are there chasing him away from fire extinguishers, the ATM and playing in the water fountain.  When we go to the mall, he's always trying to run into Forever 21 to get in the elevator.

Phase three: fists of fury

Regulating the shenanigans of phase two usually end up in phase three, also known as SOMEONE getting butt hurt because I won't let them carry on with said shenanigans.  Yesterday we were on a lovely playdate with the MOMS Club we belong to, which was going great until Jackson discovered that the hostess had brought snacks.  I let both kids pick out two snack to enjoy and then I cut them off.  First I got the sad, I'm going to cry face.  I stood firm and that led to the "I just want to see the world burn" face.  He then started sneaking over to the snack bucket and started grabbing the snacks and throwing them.  He was thisclose to upending the whole thing which led to...

Phase four: leaving the park with a flailing toddler under your arm

When Lucy was just under two and Jackson was still a baby, I swear this was one of the only reasons I used our double stroller.  I did a lot of babywearing, and Lucy was pretty good at walking by then, but for the safety of both kids I would bring the stroller in case I had to strap a tantrum-ing toddler in.  And there have been man a times, even as recent as last year, where I'd had to strap her in, with her screaming and a crowd of people watching, my face beet red from embarrassment.
Yesterday I had to call it, and leave the park because the snack bandit wouldn't cut the shit.
Here's a pro tip that I learned from a good friend: buckle the chest clip first so they can't arch their backs out of the carseat.  You're welcome.
Now where's the wine?

New name, same blog

  It's been quite some time since I've logged in and actually posted something! So hello again.
Back when I was blogging regularly I had this idea in my head that I was going to have cool and interesting things to say, resulting in a large following of readers like my favorite blogger has.
But then I remembered that I'm not that creative and inherently lazy when it comes to crafting with my kids and coming up with new recipes and I lost sight of what I originally started this blog for: a written record of my life to look back on one day, and for our kids to look back on.
And to be honest, I really miss writing, and there are so many funny and awkward things that happen in my life as a mom and let's face it, socially awkward person.
Parenting in itself, and the politics of mommyhood, is a gold mine for commentary, that's for sure.
I've really missed having a creative outlet where I can let loose and write what I'm feeling and what we've been up to.
So I'm back!! 
Today was no exception in the awkward parenting department.
Jackson and I had an experience today that seriously made my skin crawl and made me want to shower for a week!
We had to drop Andy off at work today and ended up with 30 minutes to kill before dropping Lucy off at preschool, so we played at the park that's down the street from our house.
Jackson went down the slide, and I noticed that it was a little wet but didn't really think much of it because it had rained a bit the night before.
When I picked him up so we could head to the car, I noticed his butt was wet, and did the requisite sniff check of his butt to verify that it was water.
I was so, so wrong.
His pants smelled like pee but his diaper was dry, and I haven't botched a diaper change in a long time so it most definitely was not. my. child's. urine.
So Jackson's butt was covered in stranger pee, and I put my nose up to his butt so my face had stranger pee on it.
I have no idea who peed on that damn slide, so Jackson got a bath immediately after we got home.
This isn't the first time I've dealt with strange pee, back when I worked at Starbucks there was an incident, but this time made me feel so gross.
So parents, check the slide before your kids go down them because you never know if someone has chosen to use it as a urinal.