A three hour tour

I decided the title to this was more friendly than my original choice, which was "They made me do the GD glucose tolerance test."
That's right.  I got to kick it at Kaiser Lincoln for three hours, drink what tasted like pure sugar and have have my blood drawn four times in a three-hour period.
(I say this like I'm the only woman who's ever had to do this.  I know I'm not, but it still sucks.)
The thing that got me about this test is that it went against everything I've been told to do during pregnancy. 
Eat a snack before bed.  I recall the lady at the late pregnancy class telling us not to eat close to bed time because heartburn is sure to follow.  But me being a sucker for following the rules, I downed my half peanut butter and jelly and glass of milk at 10 p.m.  Quite a tasty combination.  Never been much of a milk drinker, but I am now.
Not eat for 12+ hours.  Even before this baby, I've always been big about eating something first thing when I get up, and it's usually a banana.  Not eating anything was torture, but I was glad I could drink water up until I drank the glucose beverage.  By the time I got done, I wasn't shaky, but I'm pretty sure my stomach had started eating itself.  I felt bad for the baby, cuz she didn't do anything wrong.
Not drink water for three hours.  I think that was the most difficult thing.  Anyone who knows me knows that I always have a bottle of water in my purse and a huge glass of water on my desk at work at all times.  My grandpa used to tease me when I was little and say we needed to bring Gunga Din with us on outings so someone could carry my water.  I've been told to make sure and drink plenty of water throughout the day not only to hydrate but to ward off Braxton Hicks.  Also, the less hydrated I am, the harder my veins are to find, and they're already really difficult to locate.  Props to the phlebotomists at Kaiser, they rock.
Stay seated.  I was told if I walked around too much or even slept it could throw off the test due to burning calories.  I've been told to stay active, and I would have loved to walk to the library during one hour of the test since they were open that day and right across the street.  I wouldn't have minded the stay seated thing as much if Kaiser had wi-fi at that particular clinic, which they don't and my phone would barely pick up a signal unless I was right next to a window.  So I pretty much set up camp in a corner next to the window and watched Netflix and read magazines.  Something I generally love doing, but the no food and water thing kinda put a damper on that.  It was nice running into friends during the first hour, that was nice.

I don't have the results to the test yet.  I'm hoping the one-hour results were just a fluke and I don't have gestational diabetes.  But if I do, I'll do everything I can to keep it under control.  It's funny, because they say you sacrifice a lot when you become a mom, but it starts way before the child is born.  I don't mind it though.  I'm really proud to be able to have taken care of her so well so far, and that we've made it this far, so I think I would do a six hour glucose test if it meant she'd be born healthy.

28 weeks

Summer just started and dayum it's hot already!!
But that could just be the pregnancy talking.  I've been roasting since mid-May : )
We had our late pregnancy class/hospital tour last night at Kaiser Roseville.
I was so glad we did the tour.  I think it boosted our confidence about getting through the last trimester and knowing that Kaiser's labor and delivery philosophy are pretty well-aligned with ours.
I like that I'll be able to get up and walk around during labor and not be confined to the bed.
And the rooms there!  Both the labor and delivery room and postpartum room are like hotel rooms (but with all of the medical gear).
I'm feeling pretty calm about the whole having-another-human-come-out-of-my-body thing.
For now.
We'll see what happens when labor starts.
Baby girl's kicks and jabs aren't as painful/strong as I thought they would be.  Don't get me wrong, they're noticeable, but maybe she already likes me and is being gentle.
I figured out what the rhythmic kicking I'd been feeling was.  They're hiccups.  I always wondered what that would feel like and now I know.
As tough as I like to be and as much as I don't like to do less than I usually do because I am pregnant, I've learned to step back a little bit at work.
I've been taking on less because when I do more than I should, my body feels it.  I don't like having to come home from work and just lay on the couch all night.  Sometimes I still have to do that, but since I've lightened my workload it doesn't happen as much.
I guess we all have to say uncle sometimes. : )

Our little alien

I decided last night that I should update this baby more often since the, em, baby is coming this fall.  I was going to write all of this stuff down, but I think already scribbling in a notebook all the livelong day makes it hard to want to write stuff down.
Last night was the first time I felt the baby kick from the outside, which was pretty neat in the fact that it means Andy will get to feel her kick soon.  I say her because yes, we're having a girl.  At least, the ultrasound tech said with 85 to 90 percent certainty that the baby has lady bits and not the other way around.
I've been feeling a little bit of activity since about 16 weeks and was able to rule out gas a couple weeks later because it felt like I was having twitches in my stomach instead of a grumbly stomach.  It's a cool feeling, but kind of weird at the same time. Maybe this makes me a bad mommy to say it, but sometimes her jabs are a little uncomfy.  But I'm getting more used to it so it's getting a little less weird.  I still get a little caught off guard when I'm sitting in a meeting, focused on taking notes and all of the sudden feel a little one-two punch.  But I'm really grateful to feel her kick after the last two experiences before her.  It's reassuring to feel her because I know that she's still doing okay in there.
I'm getting used to being greeted by the question "How are you feeling?" by every. single. person. that I don't see every day.
For some reason it really annoyed me in the beginning to be asked that by everyone I ran into.  Or maybe that's because shortly after telling everyone we went to a party where all of the 20 people there asked me that same question at some point during the day, and I was already tired and cranky from being pregnant in the first place.
I'm glad to finally be showing.  I still barely look pregnant but it's nice to see some evidence from the outside of what's going on in the inside.

Old habits die hard

I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me.
Ever since high school, I swear to god I can't keep a close girlfriend longer than a year and I'm kind of getting sick of it.
And the bad thing is, I know it's all me.  I know that's cliche to say "It's not you, it's me" but it's so true!
Here's how it usually goes:  I'll make a new friend, get really close really fast, and about a year in I'll suddenly find something that annoys me about them and then bolt.
It happened my junior year of high school, and I can't even tell you what drove me crazy.
It happened in college with a super close friend I made working at my first California Starbucks ever.  That was one of those Steph-got-a-boyfriend-who-she'd-later-marry-and-chose-to-spend-all-of-her-waking-moments-with-him type of thing.  I feel bad about that, but we're all girls and come on, we all do it at some point.  
And it happened again this year, and thinking about it now I'm really bummed.  We were joined at the hip for a couple of months to now nothing, and again, it's my bad.
The thing that sucks is I really miss her sometimes, because she is a really cool chick.  We still see each other once in awhile, but it's not how it used to be.  I know I'm the one that pushed her away, and I'm really sorry I did.
I just don't know what this means for the rest of my life.  I've always been the girl that hangs out with the guys, and gets along with guys so much better because there's less drama.
But as much fun as fart jokes, horror movies and beer power hours are (and I love all of those things, don't get me wrong) I can't really talk about emotional and feelings crap with my guy friends that I can with other girls.
It would be nice to make a close girlfriend or two and keep being friends with them for longer than two years.
I just wonder how I can do that with my track record.  Is it possible?  I hope to find the answer one day.

Three months

It seems like I see fire engines wherever I go now.  Hell, I was surrounded by fire trucks for two days last week during the tanker fire.  It doesn't usually bother me too much, doesn't make me sad and think of my uncle.  
Today, though, I was leaving the gym, and spotted one in my rear view mirror, which inevitably got me thinking about my uncle.
I find I don't get really sad every time I think about him, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks that he's gone.
Today I just wanted to cry, and I think I figured out why the thought of him bummed me out.
My mom posted on Facebook that it's been three months since he passed away, and I was kinda like, "Ohhh, that's why it must be harder to think of him today."
I still really can't believe that he's gone.  I mean, we went through all of the funeral stuff, which is supposedly supposed to bring closure.
But it's not really real yet.
I think when we all gather for Christmas this year, that's when it's going to seem real.  I don't want to even think about how difficult Christmas is going to be.  My brothers and I, my brothers mainly, usually park ourselves near him because he always had the funniest stories to tell about being a paramedic.  Who are we going to sit next to this year?
At least we have another three months to think about that.  

Tony

I think I've put this blog off for long enough.  I've been meaning to write on this topic since it happened, I guess I'm ready to deal with it.
A little piece of my heart is left in San Francisco, and will be there forever.  
My uncle Tony passed away on June 4.  He died doing what he loved, which was being a San Francisco fire fighter/paramedic.
I still don't know what went wrong, but a fire he was fighting went tragically awry and claimed his life and life of one of his fellow fire fighters, Lt. Vincent Perez.
Though he taught me so much while he was alive, he taught me so much more while he hung in there in a coma for two days and even when he passed.
I will never forget the phone call I received from my mom on Thursday, June 2.
It was a little after 1 p.m., and I had spent most of the day up to that point cleaning my desk.  Not willingly cleaning my desk, but that's a different story.
I usually freak out when my mom calls me between midnight and 7 a.m., so I wasn't expecting the subject and tone of her phone call that day, since it was such a normal time of day for her to call.
She was hysterical.  
Screaming.
Crying.
She told me to sit down.
I really thought my grandfather had passed.
She informed me that my Uncle Tony had been in a "bad fire" and was in ICU in San Francisco.
She barely could say anything else.  At one point I was yelling at her to calm down.  I didn't know what to do, so I told her I would do anything she needed, and she let me go.
I remember calling Lincoln's fire chief to see what I could do for my family.  I explained what happened, and he read an e-mail about a fire in SF.
He told me to just be there for them. 
I decided right then to get to my parents house before they left for the city, to be with them, because that's the only thing I knew to do.
I'm not a spontaneous person, so for me to just up and leave like that, not knowing when I'd be home, where I'd eat, where I'd sleep usually freaks me out, but not that day.
I called my husband at work, and briefly told him what was up and that I was leaving for San Francisco.
I abided by all traffic laws on the way to my house, crying, thinking about what to pack.
Brody was very confused by how quickly I flew through the house, gathered essential items: laptop, phone charger, sweatshirts, etc.
The drive that usually takes ten minutes from Lincoln to West Roseville took about five.
My mom seemed fine, we left.
I immediately took on role of little brother wrangler and regulator.
My dad took care of my mom.
We had to tell her to not log onto Facebook or news websites, because some of them were saying my uncle had passed.
When we got to the hospital, I told my family to not let on to the seven or eight news crews that were were family, or else they'd not leave us alone.
When we got to the fourth floor of San Francisco General, my grandparents and some aunts and uncles were there, as well as miscellaneous fire staff, including the SF Fire Chief.
We were so well taken care of, food-wise, shelter-wise and emotionally, by the fire department and police department.
For that Thursday night, Friday and half of Saturday, our base camp was the hospital, and we had a room for family and fire people.
We had food out the ass.
Bagels, bananas, apples, pizza, salad, donuts, Gatorade, chocolate, and lots, and lots of coffee.
There were a couple times our family was able to visit my uncle in ICU.
He sustained burns over 12% of his body, so he looked great, but his lungs were severely damaged after the flashover knocked him over, and at one point his heart had stopped.
I visited him twice.
The first time, my youngest brother and I went in.
It was tough.
My grandparents were in there, and they just looked shell-shocked.
My brother didn't really know what to do.
I talked to Tony.
I told him that it wasn't fair of him to leave us so soon.
I told him he had to survive, because he was in better physical shape than I am at 28.
I told him that we had just started to know each other as adults, and I wanted to keep that going.
I believe I also told him that the whole situation was fucking ridiculous, and that this wasn't supposed to happen.
I told him that our last phone conversation is the reason I'm a happier person, because we talked about being yourself and letting everything else fall into place.
I think that was Thursday.
I told him the same thing on Friday.
My family visited his fire station, Station 26 in Diamond Heights.
Our family was immediately embraced by his fire family, and I am so grateful to know his friends/family.
I'm so grateful for everything they did for us, and I'm happy we were there to support them to, because by allowing them to take care of us was therapeutic for them, I'm sure.
I'm very grateful for my Lincoln public safety friends, who were there for me when I called them at all hours of the night and day for support.
You know who you are.
On Saturday, the decision had to be made to let my uncle leave his earthly body.
The amount of blood pressure medication he was on, keeping him "alive," was not sustainable.
When he took his final breath, he was surrounded by both his genetic family and some members of his fire family.
We all said our goodbyes before he was taken off of life support, and most of us had a hand or finger on his body when he left.
I held onto his right foot.
I never want to see my grandparents cry again.
I never want to see my little brother or mom cry again.
I know that when he died, it wasn't goodbye forever, just for now.
But it still really sucks.
I bake bread now, and I can't ask him for tips and tricks.
I gave him some ciabatta I'd baked the last time I saw him, and I never found out what he thought about it.  I could have asked, but I assumed it would come up.
The shitty neighbors next door are gone, and that was a subject he was concerned about.
There's a for sale sign in the front yard next door, and I thought about what Tony would say when I told him new people could move in.
Can't do that.
I have some really good days, and I have some bad days. 
I would say today is a bad one.
I guess the biggest thing I've learned is that you can't really depend on tomorrow, you have to live today.
You need to tell those that you love that you love them, and those that you appreciate that you appreciate them.
Don't say no to trying new things, especially ones that scare you.
Grief does some messed up things to your family, and can bring out the best or worse in people.
Not everyone grieves the same way, and just because someone seems happy doesn't mean that they aren't sad.
It's sort of renewed my belief in God and Heaven.
I've met a few chaplains since he passed, one in SF and one in Vacaville, and I was comforted in their words, their prayers and the Bible passages they read.
I'm comforted by the idea that I might see Tony again one day.
I'm glad he made me laugh when he messed up the part of the funeral I was supposed to help with.
My cousin and I were supposed to bring the communion up to the altar, but someone had already done that.
I feel like he had a hand in that, just to remind me that he's looking over me and my family from his surfboard in heaven.
The funeral itself was amazing.
It started at 11 a.m. and wasn't over until 7 p.m., and that's not including the dinner that went until 10 p.m.
Fire companies from all over California came to the funeral and were included in a long, long procession.
My husband and I will always be grateful for our chauffeur to and from the city. 
The first few weeks after his death were definitely hard, but in a way there was a benefit, because it brought my immediate family and I closer together.
It was really nice to be with my little brothers 24/7 for awhile, because they are so much fun and are growing up great.
I think that's something Tony could be proud of.
 

New stuff soon

Wow, I've dropped the ball with this whole blogging thing.  I will update very soon with a photo blog type thing for everything that's been going on for the past few weeks with work and life.  For now, here's my favorites for the moment.

More to follow soon, but should probably go to bed since tomorrow is Tuesday.  Then to be followed by Wednesday.

My cake pop king.

Fun night!

"Can I go in the tower?"

Moo.

Bane of my existence.

Best photo ever!

More difficult than you would think.